Today is fathers day, a day for fathers around the world to put the feet up relax and spend the day with their children or child. 

Being a dad is one of the most rewarding things life has given me.  I was 19 when I found out that I was going to be a dad.  To add to the shock I was in a different country, different culture and totally un prepared for what lay ahead. 

Given my own experience growing up, my mun and dad split when I was seven.  I was the oldest of 4 children, I remember the night so clear as if it was yesterday.  What developed after that night I wish on no one not even my worst enemies children. 

The worst thing for me growing up was instead of having 1 family i had 2.  My mums side of the family and my dads side of the family.  When I was young it wasnt to bad but around holidays and birthdays this was a great challenge and still is to this day. 

Chritsmas for example, mum wants me to be there with her and my dad wants me to be with him.  Its physically impossible to be with both so often times its best not to be with either.

Thankfully my gran wanted me to stay with her, so for most of my childhood growing up I lived with my grandma and granddad.  This allowed me to have some sort of stability growing up and my gran always pushed me hard to study and do well while instilling respect in me from and early age.  She was a very religious lady with a heart of gold. 

I remember when leaving for the USA she said to me "Patrick no matter what happens to me back here never come back, I tried to get my kids to go and see the world but they never.  Theres nothing here for you son.  I am sick and I may not be here when you come back but I will always be with you"

The month before Roslyns birth she was very ill in hospital, infact she was dying.  She held on until she heard the great news that I had been blessed with a beautiful daughter.  Shortly after Roslyn was born she passed away.  It was hard not being there for my grans funeral as she was like a mum to me.  However upon returning to Ireland her death did not affect me as it did the rest of the family.  What was harder for me was to be in Ireland while my daughter was 3500 miles away in a different country.  That was soul destroying i'd be honest and say it all most drove me to the edge. 

It took me around 9 months to re-focus , sort myself out to decide how am I going to be the best father I can be given the situation life has dealt me and how can I get to Pittsburgh to be closer to my daughter and be the father that I had envisaged all my life growing up. 

Due to my own parents not being together while I was growing up I had vowed that I would never allow my child to grow up in a similar situation.  When I would have a child they would grow up in a normal, traditional family environment.  So when at 19 I was told im going to be a father, i made a decision that evening that would fundementally change my life for ever in every way, my thoughts were I created this child, im jointly resposible for bringing this child into this world.  I have to do what ever it takes to build a loving family for this child, her mother and myself. 

This was not an easy thing to do or an easy conclusion to come to.  Many people at least more than 3 people had said to me , go home.  Get on a plane and go back to Ireland.  More than one person said to me if it was me i'd be away already. 

This is not how I think and I could never live with myself if I did that.  Having a child is one of the most beautiful things I have experienced in this world.  I'd be honest and have to say although my intentions were genuine, positive and an honest attempt to create that situation where I could build a life in a different country , with a girl i had not known that long, i'd have to be honest and say I was totaly unprepared and maybe a bit nieve. 

I was in a country that was not my own, I had no family with me and i didnt have any really close friends there that I could turn to and discuss things with.  Looking back now I can say that i was mentally, emotionally and big time financially unprepared for the reality of raising a child. 

I think also i was so narrowly focused on doing the right thing and not walking away from my responsibilites did not allow me to look at the bigger picture.  It was an incredibly emotional time then, I had to seriously think about my life and the future direction i was going. 

I did not know the girl long, I had to be honest and say to myself

• Do i like this gril
• Is this girl someone I could love & grow to love
• Could I see myself building a strong, loving family with this girl
• Am i prepared to make some serious sacrfices and changes to commit to this relationship long term
• Is this girl someone who I would marry and would i be happy with in the long years ahead
• Am i prepared to make the USA my new home, would i be prepared to become an american citzien
• Would i be faithful and dedicated to my new family and be the best father & husband I could be

When I look back and I remember the time so clearly, I think it may have been the catholic up bringing in me.  Although I was young in my late teens and i'd been in the USA almost a year.  I had numerous opportuntites over those months to have girlfriends but choose not to.  This was the first girl I had been with since i arrived in 2002 and I wasn't someone who was in the habit of sleeping around.  If I was prepared to sleep with the girl and if i was prepared to bring a child into the world and if i was serious about what I wanted for my child growing up then for me it was a YES to all of the above bullet points without a doubt. 

For me at that time a young, very nationalist minded and politically hyped young guy from Belfast this was a radical and fundemental shift in life for me.  What was essentailly happening was major life changes were happening my life was taking a direction that i never forseen or envisaged.  I never went to the USA with the intentions of staying there, I was there to get some life experience enjoy the great weather and meet some new people.  To be faced with spending the rest of my life there was daunting a little but then weighting everything up at least my daughter would grow up in a normalised society and she would never experience any of the tribalness or prejudice that is so prevelant in the North of Ireland.

Although I took the right decisions, I believe I did the right things at least what I thought would be the right things to do.  I did not run away like some men, i did not shy away from my responsibilites like some men.  What I learned from it all is that no matter what you do, no matter how much you love someone, no matter all the right moves you make and right decisions you take : You cannot make someone else love you!

5 almost 6 years on now my love is stronger seeing how my daughter has been raised and grown up.  Anyone who has ever tried to move to the USA legally will understand how increbilly hard it is.  When i spoke to US immigration and asked what my options were now that I have a US born child, his answer and its still so clear in my mind today "having a child is irrelevant unless your getting married or you have a degree i suggest you go home before your visa expires because if you over stay your visa you will be banned from the country."

I choose to go to the USA instead of taking the normal route into University, i knew marrige wasnt an option for me at that time so I had to return home when my visa expired.  This was one of the most dishearting and soul destroying periods in my life.  Not only was I leaving my child in a different country, I would not be there to share the parenting responsibilites with the childs mother. 

Thankfully my child has a great mother and great family which has encouraged my daugther to know who her father is and they have been very open, honest and welcoming over the years.  My childs grandparents have done and continue to do a lot for my daugther and her mum. 

While back in Ireland i was faced with major resposibilites, serious over burdening child support payments having to engage with courts which for me was extremely difficult as i always though court was for crimmianls.  I had to think of 1 how can increase my wage bracket quickly and 2 how can i get back into the USA legally.

The only way I could see this was by getting a University degree, it meant that I could almost double my wage bracket in 4 years and would make me eligable to live and work in the USA.  My driving force though those years was my daughter and she still continues to drive me to do well and be the best that i can be and to work towards getting there to be with her. 

Now I have my University degree, I applied for my US Green Card last year and I am praying that I get one when they start drawing the successful applicants next month. A US Green Card will allow me to live and work legally in the USA,  I would be able to work in a good professional IT job and be able to build a nice home for my daughter and pay of the huge child support arrears that have built up while I was going through University. 

If you have a child and you are blessed to live with your child or children cherish it , tell them how much you love them every day.  If you do not live with your child never stop being a part of your childs life.  Make sure you talk with your children regularly and make sure she knows how much you love them.  Some people who may not live with their children may find it difficult to engage due to difficulties with the other parent. 

One thing I have learned is that you must put your child first no matter what.